I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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