i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
