Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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