My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize