k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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