I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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