matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
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