Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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