I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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