I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
