we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
