I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize