he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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