WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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