what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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