tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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