I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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