the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
