I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
high people should be assigned attendants
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The power of my boobs compel you
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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