I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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