So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
