u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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