The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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