I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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