i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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