My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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