Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
