omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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