I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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