Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
