There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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