The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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