Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
