I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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