At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
