um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize