i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
