both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
