Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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