Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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