if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
