it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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