no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize