So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
