then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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