She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
