I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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