you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
