I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
