We're facebook friends in real life
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
