come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
whose parrot is this?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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