if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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