need another drink. this is the easiest way
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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