there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
