sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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