i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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