i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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