Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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