I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
