So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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