the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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