can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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